life and loss | part one

Hello old friend...

It looks like just over a year ago, I tried to resurrect this blog, and get back on track. Clearly that lasted a hot second. 

As you can imagine, when a year goes by, there is a lot that can change... and the reason that I am back writing here is that I need an outlet for my thoughts, feelings and grief. This will not be the first time that I have shared a loss on this blog, and although I sure hope that it will be the last, I know that will not be the case. With life comes loss, and change and growth. 

To really start this story, we need to go back, back in time to January 2014, when my husband and I decided that we would start trying to have a family [yes it is one of those kinds of posts... infertility]. We finally felt like we were in a place that we could wrap our heads around the future, and would financially be able to handle the responsibility of another life. So like any other couple we started trying, and tracking my cycles, and tried to get our timing right. A few months went past, and I was frustrated, but not yet discouraged. I have unpredictable cycles, so I knew that timing and tracking would be hard. So I decided that I would start using OPK [ovulation prediction kit]. I would make sure to test at the same time everyday, and most cycles I could pin point the day of ovulation, but other cycles, I would continue to get negatives. Every cycle that past and I couldn't figure out my ovulation date until it was too late felt like a missed opportunity. A missed chance for a baby.

This went on, part of my daily life; ovulation test, basal body temperature, charting and planning. I am at the age where a LOT of my friends are married, and now a LOT of them are starting their families. As we kept trying, more of our friends kept getting pregnant. For some it was easy, tried for a few months and were elated to find the holy grail [a positive pregnancy test]. Yet for some it was a challenge, endless months of trying, testing, treatments and in the end the holy grail, and BIG FAT POSITIVE. I can honestly say that I was never really jealous of any of our friends, but seeing their bellies grow, and watching them with their newborns just made me want a baby of our own even more. 

Then, after a year of trying we decided to go to the doctor and see what the next step would be. Like predicted, our OBGYN said that we could try fertility meds, although I was a healthy person the irregular cycles were going to make it a little more difficult for us, so we decided that is what we would do, next cycle I would take clomid. Well, my next cycle was supposed to arrive and after three days past due [not unheard of] I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. I was crushed. I didn't ovulate... I couldn't have... we have to wait one more month, or longer... who knows when this thing will show up. So I waited another week, and still my cycle didn't start. Okay, I will take another test, there is no WAY that it could be positive, but I'll just take it, and when it is negative I will drown my sorrows in Crispin Hard Cider, and that will be that. So I took the test, and let it sit... and forgot that I had taken it, ten minutes later I came back to the bathroom to look at that stick, know what it would say, until I didn't. I had sprung for the digital test on a whim, and when I looked down I saw the word "pregnant." I had never been more happy in my life. It was February 26th at 5:30 in the evening, and I had no idea when Mike would be home. I called him, thinking that I could keep my cool as asked, "Hey, what time do you think that you will be home?" "I am on my way... what's wrong?" Apparently I sounded like a lunatic, "just wondering, see you soon." Mike, "Bailey, what's wrong?" That is when I recounted the story and repeated that I was freaking out, while sobbing [turns out I did not keep my cool]. Mike came home, we hugged and cried, and dreamed.

What is strange to me is how life can continue on with this huge secret... we weren't going to tell anyone until 12 weeks when it was "safe." Everyday I walked around beaming on the inside, quietly to my self, and Mike and I would take about our baby every evening. We went to our first OB appointment to get an idea of how far along I was, and while the doctors were thinking 8 weeks I knew that would not be the case. We went in for the ultrasound and there was our little flicker, all that I could make out was that heart beating strong [158 bpm] and the wonderful tech took some measurements "6 weeks and 2 days." We left beaming, and knew that we had to keep our secret for 6 more weeks. Time passed and we shared out moments, the soon to be mommy and daddy. I was tired at 5 pm like clockwork, and would take a nap when I could. Laundry would make me cry, a TV show, or commercial, or nothing at all would make me cry. As the weeks went by, we started getting more excited, and started planning when we would tell everyone. Parents were to be first. We planned a dinner, so we could tell his and mine at the same time. And next our siblings, we would tell them individually, but my sister was coming to visit at the perfect time. And lastly our friends, we had just moved, so we planned to tell them at a "house warming party" so they could all hear it at once. Our twelve week appointment was finally here. Time to hear the heart beat, that beautiful sound that would put us in the "safe zone" and give us the go ahead to share our secret. 

It was Tuesday, April 21st, and when I woke up, I didn't feel great... not bad, but not great. I went into the bathroom and was spotting. Spotting can be a totally normal thing to happen during pregnancy. I told Mike, and we were leaving in an hour to go to the doctor, so I knew that I would just tell her then, but I couldn't shake this feeling. Mike drove us, and I couldn't help but cry the whole way there. When we arrive, we waited [I always feel like I am in the waiting room longer than any other patient], the nurse finally called us back, and I told her about the spotting. We waited again, for the doctor. She asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned again that I was spotting. She reassured me that this could be totally normal, she did a quick exam, and everything still looked normal, so it was on to the heartbeat. She told me that it could take a couple of minutes to find the heartbeat, and to try not to worry. I tried... it didn't work. I cried the whole time, she couldn't find the heartbeat. We were told that they would get me in between ultrasounds so they could check on the baby, and see what was going on. We waited. When we went in there was our amazing tech, who asked if the doctor would stay in the room. When I looked at the screen I knew right away... that is not what we are supposed to see. I heard my doctors voice, "your baby developed to about 8 weeks and 4 days, and it's heart stopped beating." I am sure she said more, but it was all a blur. I can't tell you after that exactly what happened. I know we cried, I know we went into another room, and I know the doctor expressed her condolences and told us how we could handle this, my miscarriage.