life and loss | part two miscarriage

Miscarriage was always in the back of my mind. Some people call me a pessimist, although I would see myself as more of a realist. The first week and a half from when I took the pregnancy test, to when we went in for our first OB appointment, I was cautiously optimistic. The second I was that fluttering heart on the ultrasound monitor, I was over the moon. 

When we were in the office with the doctor, Mike and I asked when it was "safe" to start telling our family and friends. Our doctor [who I think is great] told us that there is always a chance that something can go wrong at any point in the pregnancy, however after we hear that heart beat at twelve weeks, your chance for miscarriage is greatly reduced. So we waited, and didn't tell a soul. At first it was hard to not share the excitement, but then our little secret became something for just Mike and I... it was special. 

So the closer we got to our twelve week appointment, the more excited I got, and the farther out of my mind I pushed the idea of miscarriage. Everything seemed to be going great. I had cut out all caffeine and was amazed how easy that was. I was watching my belly grow, and getting more uncomfortable in the clothes that I was wearing. My symptoms were still going strong [although I didn't feel like I ever really had that many]. 

You could imagine when we heard the news, we were completely shocked and devastated. I had what is called a missed miscarriage, or incomplete miscarriage. The baby's heart had stopped, but my body didn't realize; so my body kept producing pregnancy hormones.

I was given a few options: I could wait and miscarry naturally, I could opt for medicine to help my body along, or a surgical procedure [d&c]. For me, the best option was to have my miscarriage medically managed. I couldn't just wait, but surgical intervention seemed like too much of a risk. 

My doctor told me that I would heal faster physically than I would emotionally. Which for me couldn't be more true. I wonder if it would have been easier to find out sooner that my baby's heart had stopped... but would it have been? I still spent most of my time while pregnant daydreaming about the future, about what our baby would look like. If we were to have a boy or a girl [Mike though girl, and up until the day before my miscarriage... I had thought boy], and what would he or she look/act like? Were they going to have my crazy red hair?

Every week that goes by I still count what week my baby would have been. Last week was hard as the Tuesday that passed would have been our ultra sound where we new if we were having a little Bailey or a little Mike. Next Sunday, I would have been 20 weeks... the half way point, but I am not. 

I have joined an online support group, which helps, but everything still hurts so much. So much was lost on a day that was supposed to be so happy. I have been reading a lot online, and found an article that I found to be extremely helpful.

What has made the healing process harder, is that I still haven't healed physically, and may need follow up appointments, as my hormones my have not returned to normal. I am reminded everyday of our loss, but my body isn't letting more move forward either.