rainbow baby | first trimester

I have started to write this a couple of times, but just can't seem to get the words out the way that I want. I feel like getting it down on the page could jinx something.  That it could all go away. I have wanted this for so long, and now being in the final stretch, I cannot help but share the news.

I am pregnant! 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant! In less than 4 weeks we will be welcoming our little baby boy into the world. The baby that I have prayed for, cried over, and waited for will be here in less than a month!

I took a pregnancy test on Febuary 14th and saw the second line that I never thought I would see. Although the first emotion that I felt was pure joy, the second feeling of fear couldn't help but creep in. Pregnancy after miscarriage is so bittersweet. Excitement for the new life, and grief for the loss of another. Fear that the same thing may happen again. Fear that every time you use the bathroom you may see blood. Fear that the precious heartbeat that you are waiting to hear, never happens.

The first weeks were over whelming. Waiting for the the first ultra sound to date the pregnancy seemed like forever. We did do something different this time around. We told a few people. I knew this time around I would need a support group, that the process would be difficult. We decided to tell our parents, I knew I needed mine to know. So on my mom's birthday, I gave her a birthday card that was addressed to Grandma. My parents were so excited, and the extra support that I needed in the beginning when I was full of uncertainty. We told Mike's parents and his brother and sister in law. I told my boss since I knew I would need to be missing work for doctor appointments. She was so supportive through our loss than I knew I needed her through this blessing.

Our first ultra sound was scheduled for March 10th, the one day I did not want it to be. It's funny how things work themselves out. It was March 10th of 2015 that we saw our first baby for the only time. I am pretty superstitious, so I didn't feel like this was a good sign. What if this was just a repeat of the previous year? Was this some kind of cruel foreshadowing? All I wanted to hear were that things looked good, and that I was farther along then I was on the last March 10th. I was. I was one week ahead of where I was in the first pregnancy. Seven days exactly. We got to see our little Jelly Bean at 7 weeks and 4 days, and it was all so surreal. It still is. As he is wiggling around in my belly right now, I still cannot believe that it is happening.

I wish I could say that was all I needed to get excited. To hear the news, but I was still so cautious to get excited, knowing what kind of heartbreak could happen. our next appointment was the one that had broken my heart just about a year earlier. When went in at 11 weeks and 4 days to hear the sound that we never got to hear before through the that magical little Doppler. When we went in it was de ja vu. The doctor tried for a few minutes to find that little bean in my belly, but could not get a good read. She kept say, "I think that was it," "I know I just heard it." While we waited in the room for the ultra sound machine to get ready I couldn't help but start crying, and then sobbing. It was all too familiar. It couldn't be happening again. I just kept saying, "no" as Mike held my hand. I knew that there was a baby in there. I knew there was a heartbeat, I knew this time was different. When the doctor started the ultra sound we saw the baby right away. And then we saw the heartbeat. For those moments he was perfectly still. I stared the the screen for what I felt was 5 minutes, just watching that heart pumping. It had to have been less, because the doctor mentioned how strange it was that she couldn't pin point the heart beat when the baby was so still, and as soon as she said it, he started moving like crazy. Kicks and punches, and multiple somersaults, and he hasn't slowed down yet!

After that appointment, we started telling the rest of our friends and family. And on the day that I was 13 weeks along we posted this on Facebook.

The first trimester was filled with so many emotions, making it through those weeks were the hardest for me. Mike was there the whole way telling me that things were going to be okay. Reminding me to be excited, and sharing the feelings of fear where there were bumps in the road. Making it to the second trimester and past my miscarry date made this start to feel like it was actually happening! 

spring cleaning

The night that we moved into the house that we are now living in, Mike and I walked into the empty second bedroom, held each other and knew that this would be the first room our baby would ever have. Since that day, the room has never been empty again. We used it as storage and had planned to get it ready for baby later, after we had let everyone know that it was to be the nursery. 

After the loss, I could barely walk into that room. It remained in the same state for more than six months. But after 2015 came to a close, and I still wasn't feeling any closure, we decided that it was time to do something with the room that we didn't use. 

I knew that I couldn't have it empty. I could not just put everything away that had spent the last six months in there and look at that room like I saw it the first night. I could not let it be a blatant reminder of how I felt on the inside... completely empty. 

Mike and I talked about it and decided that we should turn it into a "guest room/ office." This we agreed upon, but I still needed motivation. I had been eyeing a dresser online that I had imagined for a nursery, but could transition into adulthood, so I bit the bullet. I ordered the dresser and set a delivery date. Well if strangers coming into your house is not motivation to clean out a room I don't know what is. 

So this week I took a step that has terrified me for months... and I only cried three times that day.

I will put this one in the win column. 

get moving to move forawrd

These past months I have really tried to get my self out of the depression, and I think that it may be working. I am still sad often, but I am becoming less useless, and trying to actually do things. 

I decided that physically moving my body should help me move forward, after a light bulb moment when speaking to a friend. 

to keep myself motivated I got a fitbit. I started a little at home workout, that I can do without having to leave, and Mike and I started walking a couple times a week (when we see eachother) now that the weather is getting so nice. 

I also went to church for the first time in a long time last week, and I plan on continuing going forward. I was debating whether or not I should go today, but today would have been too hard. Since I have only gone once, the idea of bawling in front of complete strangers was not the first impression that I was really looking to make. 

Today was out due date. And I have been able to keep it together so far, but I know that I would not have been able to at a place where I feel so vulnerable. 

Today I will spend with Mike. The only time I really feel like things will be okay is when I am with him. Today is a day for us, for grieving and for looking toward the future. 

I can get pregnant. We will have children. Moving forward, looking ahead, thinking positively.

update, what update?

I feel like now is the time that I should have some sort of update, but I am still standing still. 

I have decided that I think that it is about time that I do something about it; what that is, I am still not sure. 

I know that medication (which I have taken before for depression) would help, however it is not the right option. We have started trying again, so medication would not be an option. Now I am just not sure if speaking to someone will be helpful. Whenever I tell a new person about what I experienced, I break down. I can't help but re-live as I explain the process and the pain as I think back. I start feeling everything all over again. I know what the root of my pain is, but could therapy actually help me cope?

I have also contemplated going back to church. I haven't been in a church, or attended a service in over a decade. 

I just feel so empty. Something is missing. I am lost and I need to find myself. Maybe I need help finding Bailey again. 
 
 

taking steps is easy, standing still is hard...

Yes I just quoted Regina Spektor in reference to pregnancy loss makes me feel. It seems like since the miscarriage I have either been standing still, or taking one step forward and two steps back. 

It's weird that you are told what to expect during the miscarriage. How much you will bleed, and for how long. There will be pain, there will be tears. You need to give yourself time to grieve. What about after? What do you do when you cannot stop bleeding, or you can't start again? What do you do when you find out that someone from your past has the same exact due date that you were to have?

I am not sure how well I am doing at this whole coping process. I have lost people in the recent past. People who meant the world to me. My Grandmother, and woman who I inspire to be like. My Grandfather, the one I feel I inherited my sense of humor from. A man who married my Grandma, and I have known my whole life. I have grieved, and mourned the loss of these important figures in my life. 

My Grandmother was young, 73, and lung cancer took her too soon. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, her love, her influence, and how much I dearly miss her. But, like I was told... time has made it easier. I started crying less, and thinking of her with a smile on my face, instead of a tear in my eye. It has now been three years since loosing her, but I remember exactly how it felt. I can still feel it. 

This is different. 

With loosing this baby, my first baby, I lost hope and dreams of what was to come. I have lost a future that I would think of everyday of my short pregnancy.  For the 8 weeks that I knew I was carrying the tiny thing that I wanted more than anything in the world, I started dreaming of what was to be. What would this tiny creation of love look like? Would we have a little person running around with my quick wit, or their fathers love for knowledge? 

We moved into a house while I was 8 weeks pregnant, we moved with big dreams, and walking into what would be the nursery that night while it was empty, Mike and I hugged each other, knowing that this is where we would bring out little one home. Their first home that wasn't. Now, it is still filled with boxes. I don't want to see that room empty again, and have it reflect how I feel. I cant even stand in there for too long, I will think of what isn't. 

I made the realization recently [yes, I know I was in denial] that I am depressed. At first I kept saying that I was, "just sad." But my body is finally back to where it was before pregnancy hormones took over... and I am not done crying yet. When my hCG hormones where still at a level 5, I easily blamed that constant tears on hormones. Well, they are gone now, but the tears are not. Avoiding people and situations is not something that I am doing intentionally, but I am not trying either. I would rather be with the one person who understand what I am going through than be with anyone else. So I just don't really try. 

I wish that I could say that I am starting to get better, but I feel like I am standing still. I can't believe that it has been so long since that Tuesday when there was silence where there should have been a heartbeat. I hope soon that I can start taking steps.

today is a good day

Since my miscarriage, I have been looking for a sign. A sign that even though I lost my first baby, the storm would pass and I would be left with a beautiful rainbow. It seems silly to think someone who lives in the desert is waiting for an actual literal rainbow, but we have had more rain this year than in a long while. Alas, though the rain has come and gone, I had seen no such sight, and complications since the miscarriage has caused my hope to slowly start slipping away. I had been crying more [harder] lately than I had in the past weeks, but then today I saw the most beautiful rainbow across the whole United States. 

This is a HUGE step toward equality, and I am overwhelmed that in our country there is FINALLY marriage equality. Since I met my husband, I knew that I wanted to marry him. There was never a doubt in my mind, and without our marriage I don't know how I would get through this thing called life. Now every American has the chance to marry their best friend; the person that makes them stronger; the person that makes them happier; the person they LOVE. 

Today I have hope, and not just for me… for the future. Today is a good day. 

life and loss | part two miscarriage

Miscarriage was always in the back of my mind. Some people call me a pessimist, although I would see myself as more of a realist. The first week and a half from when I took the pregnancy test, to when we went in for our first OB appointment, I was cautiously optimistic. The second I was that fluttering heart on the ultrasound monitor, I was over the moon. 

When we were in the office with the doctor, Mike and I asked when it was "safe" to start telling our family and friends. Our doctor [who I think is great] told us that there is always a chance that something can go wrong at any point in the pregnancy, however after we hear that heart beat at twelve weeks, your chance for miscarriage is greatly reduced. So we waited, and didn't tell a soul. At first it was hard to not share the excitement, but then our little secret became something for just Mike and I... it was special. 

So the closer we got to our twelve week appointment, the more excited I got, and the farther out of my mind I pushed the idea of miscarriage. Everything seemed to be going great. I had cut out all caffeine and was amazed how easy that was. I was watching my belly grow, and getting more uncomfortable in the clothes that I was wearing. My symptoms were still going strong [although I didn't feel like I ever really had that many]. 

You could imagine when we heard the news, we were completely shocked and devastated. I had what is called a missed miscarriage, or incomplete miscarriage. The baby's heart had stopped, but my body didn't realize; so my body kept producing pregnancy hormones.

I was given a few options: I could wait and miscarry naturally, I could opt for medicine to help my body along, or a surgical procedure [d&c]. For me, the best option was to have my miscarriage medically managed. I couldn't just wait, but surgical intervention seemed like too much of a risk. 

My doctor told me that I would heal faster physically than I would emotionally. Which for me couldn't be more true. I wonder if it would have been easier to find out sooner that my baby's heart had stopped... but would it have been? I still spent most of my time while pregnant daydreaming about the future, about what our baby would look like. If we were to have a boy or a girl [Mike though girl, and up until the day before my miscarriage... I had thought boy], and what would he or she look/act like? Were they going to have my crazy red hair?

Every week that goes by I still count what week my baby would have been. Last week was hard as the Tuesday that passed would have been our ultra sound where we new if we were having a little Bailey or a little Mike. Next Sunday, I would have been 20 weeks... the half way point, but I am not. 

I have joined an online support group, which helps, but everything still hurts so much. So much was lost on a day that was supposed to be so happy. I have been reading a lot online, and found an article that I found to be extremely helpful.

What has made the healing process harder, is that I still haven't healed physically, and may need follow up appointments, as my hormones my have not returned to normal. I am reminded everyday of our loss, but my body isn't letting more move forward either.

life and loss | part one

Hello old friend...

It looks like just over a year ago, I tried to resurrect this blog, and get back on track. Clearly that lasted a hot second. 

As you can imagine, when a year goes by, there is a lot that can change... and the reason that I am back writing here is that I need an outlet for my thoughts, feelings and grief. This will not be the first time that I have shared a loss on this blog, and although I sure hope that it will be the last, I know that will not be the case. With life comes loss, and change and growth. 

To really start this story, we need to go back, back in time to January 2014, when my husband and I decided that we would start trying to have a family [yes it is one of those kinds of posts... infertility]. We finally felt like we were in a place that we could wrap our heads around the future, and would financially be able to handle the responsibility of another life. So like any other couple we started trying, and tracking my cycles, and tried to get our timing right. A few months went past, and I was frustrated, but not yet discouraged. I have unpredictable cycles, so I knew that timing and tracking would be hard. So I decided that I would start using OPK [ovulation prediction kit]. I would make sure to test at the same time everyday, and most cycles I could pin point the day of ovulation, but other cycles, I would continue to get negatives. Every cycle that past and I couldn't figure out my ovulation date until it was too late felt like a missed opportunity. A missed chance for a baby.

This went on, part of my daily life; ovulation test, basal body temperature, charting and planning. I am at the age where a LOT of my friends are married, and now a LOT of them are starting their families. As we kept trying, more of our friends kept getting pregnant. For some it was easy, tried for a few months and were elated to find the holy grail [a positive pregnancy test]. Yet for some it was a challenge, endless months of trying, testing, treatments and in the end the holy grail, and BIG FAT POSITIVE. I can honestly say that I was never really jealous of any of our friends, but seeing their bellies grow, and watching them with their newborns just made me want a baby of our own even more. 

Then, after a year of trying we decided to go to the doctor and see what the next step would be. Like predicted, our OBGYN said that we could try fertility meds, although I was a healthy person the irregular cycles were going to make it a little more difficult for us, so we decided that is what we would do, next cycle I would take clomid. Well, my next cycle was supposed to arrive and after three days past due [not unheard of] I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. I was crushed. I didn't ovulate... I couldn't have... we have to wait one more month, or longer... who knows when this thing will show up. So I waited another week, and still my cycle didn't start. Okay, I will take another test, there is no WAY that it could be positive, but I'll just take it, and when it is negative I will drown my sorrows in Crispin Hard Cider, and that will be that. So I took the test, and let it sit... and forgot that I had taken it, ten minutes later I came back to the bathroom to look at that stick, know what it would say, until I didn't. I had sprung for the digital test on a whim, and when I looked down I saw the word "pregnant." I had never been more happy in my life. It was February 26th at 5:30 in the evening, and I had no idea when Mike would be home. I called him, thinking that I could keep my cool as asked, "Hey, what time do you think that you will be home?" "I am on my way... what's wrong?" Apparently I sounded like a lunatic, "just wondering, see you soon." Mike, "Bailey, what's wrong?" That is when I recounted the story and repeated that I was freaking out, while sobbing [turns out I did not keep my cool]. Mike came home, we hugged and cried, and dreamed.

What is strange to me is how life can continue on with this huge secret... we weren't going to tell anyone until 12 weeks when it was "safe." Everyday I walked around beaming on the inside, quietly to my self, and Mike and I would take about our baby every evening. We went to our first OB appointment to get an idea of how far along I was, and while the doctors were thinking 8 weeks I knew that would not be the case. We went in for the ultrasound and there was our little flicker, all that I could make out was that heart beating strong [158 bpm] and the wonderful tech took some measurements "6 weeks and 2 days." We left beaming, and knew that we had to keep our secret for 6 more weeks. Time passed and we shared out moments, the soon to be mommy and daddy. I was tired at 5 pm like clockwork, and would take a nap when I could. Laundry would make me cry, a TV show, or commercial, or nothing at all would make me cry. As the weeks went by, we started getting more excited, and started planning when we would tell everyone. Parents were to be first. We planned a dinner, so we could tell his and mine at the same time. And next our siblings, we would tell them individually, but my sister was coming to visit at the perfect time. And lastly our friends, we had just moved, so we planned to tell them at a "house warming party" so they could all hear it at once. Our twelve week appointment was finally here. Time to hear the heart beat, that beautiful sound that would put us in the "safe zone" and give us the go ahead to share our secret. 

It was Tuesday, April 21st, and when I woke up, I didn't feel great... not bad, but not great. I went into the bathroom and was spotting. Spotting can be a totally normal thing to happen during pregnancy. I told Mike, and we were leaving in an hour to go to the doctor, so I knew that I would just tell her then, but I couldn't shake this feeling. Mike drove us, and I couldn't help but cry the whole way there. When we arrive, we waited [I always feel like I am in the waiting room longer than any other patient], the nurse finally called us back, and I told her about the spotting. We waited again, for the doctor. She asked me how I was doing, and I mentioned again that I was spotting. She reassured me that this could be totally normal, she did a quick exam, and everything still looked normal, so it was on to the heartbeat. She told me that it could take a couple of minutes to find the heartbeat, and to try not to worry. I tried... it didn't work. I cried the whole time, she couldn't find the heartbeat. We were told that they would get me in between ultrasounds so they could check on the baby, and see what was going on. We waited. When we went in there was our amazing tech, who asked if the doctor would stay in the room. When I looked at the screen I knew right away... that is not what we are supposed to see. I heard my doctors voice, "your baby developed to about 8 weeks and 4 days, and it's heart stopped beating." I am sure she said more, but it was all a blur. I can't tell you after that exactly what happened. I know we cried, I know we went into another room, and I know the doctor expressed her condolences and told us how we could handle this, my miscarriage.

oh, hey stranger...

Wow! Where have I been? Well, let's break it down a little bit. When I started the blog I had truly great intentions. I was going to try to beautify our apartment, my nails... and my life. 

I really started off right; posting twice a week was my goal, and I kept that going for a LONG time [well for me at least]. Slowly it got harder for many reasons, and none of them good ones. I don't know about all of you, but the more difficult one part of your life gets the harder it is to keep up even with the things that you love. That was were I was at. I kept doing all of the things that I had been blogging about, but just couldn't get to the place where I wanted to share then with the world. Now that I feel like I am in a better place [although I have not really gone anywhere] I felt the urge to pick up the computer and POST! Even if this post is kinda rambley. 

So let me update you all on life since we last spoke:

1. I am more inspired at work. Work is that place in my life that if all is going well everything else in my life falls into place... if there is a bit of a rough patch then my focus is pulled from other areas. *cough*blogging*cough*

2. Mike and I finally went on our honeymoon! In September of last year Mike and I went on a little honeymoon to San Diego. It was a much needed break from everyday life, and the first time that we had EVER gone on vacation together. It was a blast! I have always loved SoCal, and in another [less pale] life I must have been a beach bum. We had some great food, went to the zoo and safari park, the beach, and Coronado Island [a.k.a. where we are moving when I win the lottery].

3. We tried to move! Yeah, you heard me right. We started looking around for a house to rent. I have been sick of apartment life for quite a while now. But, as it does, life has a funny way of sneaking in there and changing things up. We decided that a move was in the cards when I was just about the pay my car off, but here is where life stepped in... Mike's truck saw it's last trip. Good news is Mike got a new car, and I didn't have to pack anything! So we will be in the same place for a little while longer, but I have learned a lot about the search for a new place and what both Mike and I want in a home. I am also going to take this time that we are still in the apartment to de-clutter my life from all the STUFF that has been accumulated over the years, and is no longer needed.

4. Mike and I also celebrated our first anniversary. It was pretty low key with Mike coming off a 14 hour over night shift, but we had an awesome brunch and I made Mike his favorite meal [meatloaf and peas]. 

Now you are caught up on all of the happenings while I was MIA. Of course there were many other things that happened in the last nine months, but I won't bore you with all the details.

It does feel good to be back. I plan on posting once a week for now and see where it takes my. I love having a creative outlet, and so happy that I am sharing it with the blogging world once again.

polish please | can't sleep... too excited

I know that I haven't blogged for a while, but I have an awesome reason to get out of my no-post-rut and share something with the blogging world...

I just won an instagram contest! Sometime last week @opi_products presented a contest where you could submit photos that represented the color inspiration for you wedding. OPI chose three winners and I was one of them! I am not a "lucky" person, and the last time that I won something was when I was seven and entered a pumpkin carving contest. 

Twenty years later and I am just as excited as I was when I was seven! The prize is the OPI 2013 Soft Shades collection and other colors that coordinate with your inspiration wedding colors! Plus I got another chance to show off my wedding nails that I L-O-V-E-D!

*Just in case anyone was wondering I won my very first brand new bike when I was seven in the pumpkin carving contest. Pretty cool, I know!*

 

our diy wedding part one

Mike and I have been married for a little over two months now, and I think that a wedding post is well deserved. I learned a lot when planning this wedding {one of the most surprising things is that I was "one of the most relaxed brides anyone had ever seen"} and have so much that I want to share. I am thinking that I can get it all out in two posts, but we might run into three!

I want to start with some basics that I think are good to know when getting into the head space of wedding planning. Here are some basic ideas and examples of somethings to keep in mind when planning a DIY wedding.

via

 Plan, don't plot
Plan as much as you can, but roll with the punches. We have all heard the phrase, "you plan and God laughs," for me nothing was more true than this sentiment. But here's the thing, I am not a professional wedding planner and "we don't know what we don't know." Trial and error is going to go into planning and executing your big day, but it is just that... a day. One day, not the rest of your lives. No one will remember 15 years from now what cake you had, or what the center pieces should have looked like, or that they were at a table with someone they didn't want to sit with. What matters on "your big day" is you and your partner starting the rest of your lives together. I cannot stress it enough, don't sweat the small stuff. Most everything will work itself out in the end, and what doesn't... doesn't really matter. 

via

Example: I got a call from the florist the day before the wedding letting me know that NONE of the flowers that I ordered came in. I wanted to do really simple bouquets, one type of flower, some ribbon, and... well that's it. Long story short, I asked the florist to stop calling me {she was WAY more stressed than I was, and I didn't feel like I needed to console her} and my mom, aunt and I tracked down flowers that were even better than what I could even thing of. Which leads me to my next thought...

There is no "I" in team
Use the support and help that your friends and family offer, when you need it. And appreciate all that people give you. I may have said this before but I have the most amazing family in the whole world. They are creative, loving, talented and devoted. Not to mention they all have great senses of humor, laughter goes a long way when wedding planning. Take help when you need it, but if you don't need help at that moment, don't take it.

via

 Example: I had so many people volunteering to help months leading up to the wedding. Family and friends were more than happy to lend a hand, which I completely appreciated and couldn't have been more grateful for. But, I didn't always need help when it was offered. I was really stressed in the whole planning process, but when I really needed help was the week leading up to the wedding. Don't feel bad about refusing help when you don't need it. But when you need it, ask your family and friends to step up, and they will. I love my family an friends just as much as they love me, and just as I would for them, they all came pouring in the help. Aunts and cousins were cutting fabric for our back drop. My dad, brother and family friends helped haul rock. Friends and cousins were helping with center pieces and programs.

Find people who "get you"
Not every vendor that I met, visited or talked to did I think was right for our wedding. Not everyone will see things the way that you do. What you want is for the people that are helping create your wedding to understand what you want to accomplish. What I wanted to accomplish was A.) to get hitched, B.) to celebrate with the ones that I love, C.) to keep things simple, D.) to not break the bank.Keep your goals in mind when picking who is going to be apart of your wedding. When I did find people that I thought knew what I was going for, I did not hesitate to pull the trigger and get them on board.

via

Example: The first place that I went to try on wedding dresses was to be honest, an uncomfortable experience. I made an appointment, brought my mom and sister, had inspiration photos and almost lost it when I was told to stand in front of the whole world in a dress that I did NOT want to try on that really made me look terrible. I mean terrible! I am not a "big" person and this thing made me look huge in places that I didn't even know that I could. I was a double booked appointment and to this consultant "simple" and "informal" meant taffeta, sequins, and ball gowns. Needless to say, we were not on the same page, and she was more interested in making the sale for the other bride than listening to me when I almost went full Carrie Bradshaw wearing a dress that almost made me breakout in hives.

I ended up getting my dress at a little boutique that had a awesome consultant who wanted to find something for me that I felt comfortable in, fit my body/ style, and wedding. I was with my Mega Best Friend {Shawna} and was txting photos to my sister and mom {not ideal, but you have got to roll with the punches} and we all decided this was the perfect fit.

Whew! That is all for now, but stay tuned for more photos, insights, and details on projects for the wedding.

polish please | mimosas for mr. & mrs.

I have be absent from the blogging world for a little while, but for a great reason. On Saturday, Mike and I got hitched! Everything turned out really nice. It kinda all fell into place, with a LOT of help from family. More details later, for now I want to leave you all with what else, the wedding day polish.

I knew that I wanted to do something neutral, and classic. I saw this OPI color when I was out shopping at Ulta with my Mega Best Friend. 

The color, the day, the man... they were all perfect! Stay tuned for a whole dump of wedding photos, and little pearls of wisdom that I learned throughout the process.

one week...

One week from today, and Mike and I will be married! I have been having a hard time getting excited, not stressed ... I have got that down pat. But right now, I am finally feeling it. I am in fact excited.

 

wedding update

Are you all keeping an eye on the calendar? If you are you will have noticed that we are already into APRIL! This means that the wedding is fast appoarching, and I think that I may actually have a handle on this thing now {cross fingers, knock on wood, say a little prayer}. The past few weeks have been filled with prep, fittings, shopping and parties. I know, I know, not all bad. 

The great thing about a backyard wedding is the control that you have over everything, the bad thing about a backyard wedding is that YOU have to control everything. Thankfully I am not the only "YOU" in this equation. I know that I have said this before, but it is true. I have the best family ever! My parents, sister and bother are all wonderful people who are always there to help. Sometimes that help includes yard work. Now, I don't mean regular everyday, run of the mill raking, lawn mowing; I'm talking about cactus/plant removal, new planting, and let's not forget moving 35 tons of crushed granite! We were all on clean up duty, and my mom was in charge of planting. The rock, oh the rock! My dad is a power house! For five days he shoveled, wheel barreled, dumped, spread and raked. Whether he had help {my bro, myself, Mike, my uncle, or our family friend} or not, the old guy just kept moving! I knew my dad loved me, but I mean the guy moved 35 tons for me.

The dress fittings are finally complete, and now my dress is safe and sound at my parents house. The fittings weren't a big deal. I feel like they went pretty smoothly with just a minor hiccup {a lining issue}, but I really didn't mind the fittings because every time we were there we got lunch at the Cornish Pasty Co. It had not occurred to me until two weeks ago, but we should have had the Cornish Pasty Company cater the wedding. The light bulb in my head went off way too late. Oh well, that idea is fair game, but if you use it for your upcoming nuptials, just remember where it came from and that the Oggie is my favorite.

So far this what we have accomplished in the wedding world:

• Venue {and newly landscaped to boot!}
• Wedding party
• Officiant
• Dress {including fitting, shoes}
• Cake
• Food
• Rentals
• Photographer
• Music
• License
• Materials for decorations

With a few weeks left, there are still a few things to get done. Hopefully we are not forgetting anything!

polish please | fancy french

Oh Blogger, how I have missed you. It has been almost two weeks since my last post. My bad. There has been a lot of things going on in our lives lately. Wedding planning is actually starting to get serious. We have booked vendors, mailed invites, put down deposits. This wedding is becoming pretty legitimate. 

We also had some wonderful news yesterday. March 15th was the day that medical students around the county found out what internship/residency program they had been accepted into. The school had festivities, and celebrations. I was so excited the night before, that I did not fall asleep until 2:30 am {when I had to get up at 6!}. There has been so much build up to this moment. Four years {plus} of hard work, months of planning, weeks of interviews... and then waiting. Yesterday was match day for thousands of future doctors, and Mike matched at a program that he is completely excited about. I couldn't be happier for him.

Since this week was really all about him, when I sat down to paint my nails the other day, I asked Mike what I should do. He said, "French manicure." To which I replied, "What colors?" His response, "The regular ones." And so it was...

So I rocked this look for all of 14 hours {six of which I slept}. I started with one coat of Essie Sugar Daddy, which I have owned for a while, and have only used twice. I then used the adhesive sticker guides from Sally Hansen's Hard as Nails French Manicure Kit to mark off where I would paint the white tip. You could also use tape, but I was feeling pretty lazy that evening, and the stripes are really simple to use. For the tip color I used OPI My Boyfriend Scales Walls. After the white coat dried, I added another layer of Sugar Daddy, and finished with Good to Go.

The next morning I was feeling a little bored with the neutral, simple look, and wanted to jazz it up just a bit. I had just picked up some L'Oreal metallic polishes {on clearance} that I thought would work well for stamping. I used Just Jest Setting and a small striping brush to add thin lines across my nails just below the white tips. This was also a neat trick to getting all nails looking uniform. {I believe I mentioned that I was feeling lazy what I started painting my nails.}

What do you do to add some interest to s classic French manicure?

desert botanical garden

This weekend was a fun and busy one. Saturday was my bridal shower thrown by my mega best friend, and my family.

 It. Was. Wonderful. 

But more on that later. I was also lucky enough to have one of my aunts visiting, so of course we needed to do something fun, and take advantage of the beautiful weather. Today we went to the Desert Botanical Garden. I never get sick of that place. I have been maybe a dozen times in my life. A few times for school, and countless times with my family. Such a pretty way to spend a day, and the breeze that was sweeping through the valley today was just the right thing that we needed.

Here is a little peek at what we got to see today...

 Closest I have ever been to a roadrunner. He really put on a show for us, posing for pictures and everything.

Then there was a very interesting art installation; the four seasons were represented by these sculptures.

 Winter

 Spring

 Summer

 Autumn

They sure were interesting, and let me tell you... EVERYONE was taking pictures for these guys. 

Diane, I had so much fun while you were here. So happy that I got to spend the day with you and my mom!

getting closer

I broke the rule that I had set for myself when I started this blog. I missed a week of posting! Boo. I was sick last week, and did not feel motivated to do anything. {Of course I did paint my nails a few times, but I don't feel like any of these manis were blog worthy.} I am working on a little tutorial that I hope I can have posted shortly. 

So, I just wanted to share with the blogging world that Mike and I got our marriage license the other day! I didn't really have any expectations going in, but man that was easy! We were in and out in fifteen minutes. I double checked with Mike when the guy there asked, "Are you going to be getting married here?" Apparently an elopement is off the table for suresies. I guess I should get this show on the road then, and really start planning. 

goodbye 2012

Another year has come and gone, and no matter how hard you try, one can't help but become nostalgic and reflect no matter how clique it might seem. This years has brought so many challenges, and blessings to my family, friends, and myself. Here's to the blessings for 2012, and the blessings to come in the new year.

Without 2012, I would not have:
-my blog
-my wonderful fiance! Mike popped the question, and we are well on our way to getting hitched after eight years together {a wedding is an wonderful thing to look forward to in 2013}.
-the time that I got to spend with my family, even with all the loss in our lives, there were still some awesome high points. I got to hear my Grandma Wilson laugh, tell my Grandpa that I loved him {and tell him that I was newly engaged}, and got to spend time with the whole South Dakota crew. Without my crazy, fun, supportive family, I would be lost. 
-babies! My family, co-worker and my friends welcomed babies into their families this year, and thankfully I have gotten a chance to spend time with all of them. 

What 2013 will bring:
-Mike and I finally getting married
-residency match day, so we can finally plan for the future 
-a med-school graduation for Mike
... and that's just the first half of the year!

And to end this year, the way the Wilson family ends every year, a birthday party for my Dad! The old guy turns 60 today. This year I think that I have appreciated him more than any other year before. He is such a strong loving person. I honestly couldn't have picked a better dad if I tried. 

 Happy New Year to all! Be safe and happy in this year and the next. 

 

loss

As I had mentioned in an earlier post, this year has been tough for me... and for my family. Just under six months ago we lost the most incredible woman to walk the earth when my grandmother passed away. She was a strong, loving, nurturing person who put all others before her. She raised eight kids and took care of her younger siblings when she was still a teenager after the passing of her mother. She also did an amazing job with all of her grandchildren {I consider myself incredibly lucky to have known her, let alone be one of her grandkids. She loved her grandchildren more than anything else in the world.}

This week, my grandpa joined my grandma and left this life. He was a strong man who lived a hard life, but always sought out joy {in his own way}. We lived states apart and spent a lot of time apart, but had a huge connection that nothing could stop. Whenever I went to visit my grandparents, it always felt like I was at home. This I will forever miss. 

A week before my grandpa passed I called him to let him know the good news that I had {our engagement}. This was something that I dreamed about telling my grandma; she would have been so happy for us. I am so glad that I got this moment with my grandpa, and that I got to share something good with him, something happy. 

Now they are together again. 

Grandma and Grandpa Wilson, I love you both so mush and miss you more than you will ever know. You both make such a huge impact on my life. I look up to both of you, and hope that I can create what a part of what you two had. I'll keep an eye on everyone for you.

i said yes!

I know that I promised the other day that I would get back to everyone with details about my exciting weekend, and that I had news a details of what transpired to post on Wednesday, but let's face it... I was late! I swear, I have a good reason.

This past weekend Mike popped the question, we are now officially engaged! And I am so EXCITED!

Mike had planned a trip to Flagstaff for our anniversary for this past weekend. I went into this weekend very hopeful that something great would come of it, and thankfully it did. Mike isn't usually the planner out of the two of us. When it comes to outings/ dates he has his say, but I am usually the one to initiate the conversation, especially when it comes to trips to Flag. We meet in Flagstaff the first week of college and have been together pretty much ever since. I fell in love with Flag the first time I visited, and new that I wanted to live in the amazing town for at least the duration of higher education. When Mike started applying for medical school, I knew that my love affair with Flagstaff would have to come to an end, but that we could still see each other on the side. 

Maybe even a moth before the trip, Mike asked what I wanted to do for out eighth anniversary. When I had no suggestions other than dinner, Mike mentioned that we should try to go to Flagstaff and that I should request time off for a weekend trip. This weekend worked perfectly for both of us. Mike was in between blocks, and there weren't any other manager requesting the weekend off. 

The week leading up was very busy for me, and filled with early days {which I am not necessarily fond of, or good at}and a lot more on my plate at work than normal. By Friday I was so happy that the weekend and our trip arrived.   

We headed up to Flag and spent the first part of our day walking around down town, eating at Mountain Oasis, picking up coffee at Late for the Train, and walking around campus. 

After our walking tour of Flagstaff we headed to the hotel to get ready for dinner at the most amazing restaurant, and the place where we went for our first anniversary, Josephine's. I can honestly tell you that I haven't had a better meal before in my life. This restaurant is in a converted, cute, old craftsman style house and we ended up in the same room where we ate seven years earlier. Mike meal was good, he ordered the special, but let me tell you mine was GREAT!

After the meal we went back to the hotel and I could tell that Mike was acting a little different {I thought that it might have been the VERY strong Manhattan that he had with dinner} but it turns out her was getting ready to pop the question. It seemed like it happened so fast, but in slow motion at the same time. He got down on one knee, and I cried. It was perfect. 

So after sharing the news with family and friends, I wanted to share it with the world. Let the planning begin!