rainbow baby | first trimester

I have started to write this a couple of times, but just can't seem to get the words out the way that I want. I feel like getting it down on the page could jinx something.  That it could all go away. I have wanted this for so long, and now being in the final stretch, I cannot help but share the news.

I am pregnant! 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant! In less than 4 weeks we will be welcoming our little baby boy into the world. The baby that I have prayed for, cried over, and waited for will be here in less than a month!

I took a pregnancy test on Febuary 14th and saw the second line that I never thought I would see. Although the first emotion that I felt was pure joy, the second feeling of fear couldn't help but creep in. Pregnancy after miscarriage is so bittersweet. Excitement for the new life, and grief for the loss of another. Fear that the same thing may happen again. Fear that every time you use the bathroom you may see blood. Fear that the precious heartbeat that you are waiting to hear, never happens.

The first weeks were over whelming. Waiting for the the first ultra sound to date the pregnancy seemed like forever. We did do something different this time around. We told a few people. I knew this time around I would need a support group, that the process would be difficult. We decided to tell our parents, I knew I needed mine to know. So on my mom's birthday, I gave her a birthday card that was addressed to Grandma. My parents were so excited, and the extra support that I needed in the beginning when I was full of uncertainty. We told Mike's parents and his brother and sister in law. I told my boss since I knew I would need to be missing work for doctor appointments. She was so supportive through our loss than I knew I needed her through this blessing.

Our first ultra sound was scheduled for March 10th, the one day I did not want it to be. It's funny how things work themselves out. It was March 10th of 2015 that we saw our first baby for the only time. I am pretty superstitious, so I didn't feel like this was a good sign. What if this was just a repeat of the previous year? Was this some kind of cruel foreshadowing? All I wanted to hear were that things looked good, and that I was farther along then I was on the last March 10th. I was. I was one week ahead of where I was in the first pregnancy. Seven days exactly. We got to see our little Jelly Bean at 7 weeks and 4 days, and it was all so surreal. It still is. As he is wiggling around in my belly right now, I still cannot believe that it is happening.

I wish I could say that was all I needed to get excited. To hear the news, but I was still so cautious to get excited, knowing what kind of heartbreak could happen. our next appointment was the one that had broken my heart just about a year earlier. When went in at 11 weeks and 4 days to hear the sound that we never got to hear before through the that magical little Doppler. When we went in it was de ja vu. The doctor tried for a few minutes to find that little bean in my belly, but could not get a good read. She kept say, "I think that was it," "I know I just heard it." While we waited in the room for the ultra sound machine to get ready I couldn't help but start crying, and then sobbing. It was all too familiar. It couldn't be happening again. I just kept saying, "no" as Mike held my hand. I knew that there was a baby in there. I knew there was a heartbeat, I knew this time was different. When the doctor started the ultra sound we saw the baby right away. And then we saw the heartbeat. For those moments he was perfectly still. I stared the the screen for what I felt was 5 minutes, just watching that heart pumping. It had to have been less, because the doctor mentioned how strange it was that she couldn't pin point the heart beat when the baby was so still, and as soon as she said it, he started moving like crazy. Kicks and punches, and multiple somersaults, and he hasn't slowed down yet!

After that appointment, we started telling the rest of our friends and family. And on the day that I was 13 weeks along we posted this on Facebook.

The first trimester was filled with so many emotions, making it through those weeks were the hardest for me. Mike was there the whole way telling me that things were going to be okay. Reminding me to be excited, and sharing the feelings of fear where there were bumps in the road. Making it to the second trimester and past my miscarry date made this start to feel like it was actually happening! 

get moving to move forawrd

These past months I have really tried to get my self out of the depression, and I think that it may be working. I am still sad often, but I am becoming less useless, and trying to actually do things. 

I decided that physically moving my body should help me move forward, after a light bulb moment when speaking to a friend. 

to keep myself motivated I got a fitbit. I started a little at home workout, that I can do without having to leave, and Mike and I started walking a couple times a week (when we see eachother) now that the weather is getting so nice. 

I also went to church for the first time in a long time last week, and I plan on continuing going forward. I was debating whether or not I should go today, but today would have been too hard. Since I have only gone once, the idea of bawling in front of complete strangers was not the first impression that I was really looking to make. 

Today was out due date. And I have been able to keep it together so far, but I know that I would not have been able to at a place where I feel so vulnerable. 

Today I will spend with Mike. The only time I really feel like things will be okay is when I am with him. Today is a day for us, for grieving and for looking toward the future. 

I can get pregnant. We will have children. Moving forward, looking ahead, thinking positively.

taking steps is easy, standing still is hard...

Yes I just quoted Regina Spektor in reference to pregnancy loss makes me feel. It seems like since the miscarriage I have either been standing still, or taking one step forward and two steps back. 

It's weird that you are told what to expect during the miscarriage. How much you will bleed, and for how long. There will be pain, there will be tears. You need to give yourself time to grieve. What about after? What do you do when you cannot stop bleeding, or you can't start again? What do you do when you find out that someone from your past has the same exact due date that you were to have?

I am not sure how well I am doing at this whole coping process. I have lost people in the recent past. People who meant the world to me. My Grandmother, and woman who I inspire to be like. My Grandfather, the one I feel I inherited my sense of humor from. A man who married my Grandma, and I have known my whole life. I have grieved, and mourned the loss of these important figures in my life. 

My Grandmother was young, 73, and lung cancer took her too soon. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, her love, her influence, and how much I dearly miss her. But, like I was told... time has made it easier. I started crying less, and thinking of her with a smile on my face, instead of a tear in my eye. It has now been three years since loosing her, but I remember exactly how it felt. I can still feel it. 

This is different. 

With loosing this baby, my first baby, I lost hope and dreams of what was to come. I have lost a future that I would think of everyday of my short pregnancy.  For the 8 weeks that I knew I was carrying the tiny thing that I wanted more than anything in the world, I started dreaming of what was to be. What would this tiny creation of love look like? Would we have a little person running around with my quick wit, or their fathers love for knowledge? 

We moved into a house while I was 8 weeks pregnant, we moved with big dreams, and walking into what would be the nursery that night while it was empty, Mike and I hugged each other, knowing that this is where we would bring out little one home. Their first home that wasn't. Now, it is still filled with boxes. I don't want to see that room empty again, and have it reflect how I feel. I cant even stand in there for too long, I will think of what isn't. 

I made the realization recently [yes, I know I was in denial] that I am depressed. At first I kept saying that I was, "just sad." But my body is finally back to where it was before pregnancy hormones took over... and I am not done crying yet. When my hCG hormones where still at a level 5, I easily blamed that constant tears on hormones. Well, they are gone now, but the tears are not. Avoiding people and situations is not something that I am doing intentionally, but I am not trying either. I would rather be with the one person who understand what I am going through than be with anyone else. So I just don't really try. 

I wish that I could say that I am starting to get better, but I feel like I am standing still. I can't believe that it has been so long since that Tuesday when there was silence where there should have been a heartbeat. I hope soon that I can start taking steps.

today is a good day

Since my miscarriage, I have been looking for a sign. A sign that even though I lost my first baby, the storm would pass and I would be left with a beautiful rainbow. It seems silly to think someone who lives in the desert is waiting for an actual literal rainbow, but we have had more rain this year than in a long while. Alas, though the rain has come and gone, I had seen no such sight, and complications since the miscarriage has caused my hope to slowly start slipping away. I had been crying more [harder] lately than I had in the past weeks, but then today I saw the most beautiful rainbow across the whole United States. 

This is a HUGE step toward equality, and I am overwhelmed that in our country there is FINALLY marriage equality. Since I met my husband, I knew that I wanted to marry him. There was never a doubt in my mind, and without our marriage I don't know how I would get through this thing called life. Now every American has the chance to marry their best friend; the person that makes them stronger; the person that makes them happier; the person they LOVE. 

Today I have hope, and not just for me… for the future. Today is a good day.