I am pregnant! 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant! In less than 4 weeks we will be welcoming our little baby boy into the world. The baby that I have prayed for, cried over, and waited for will be here in less than a month!
I took a pregnancy test on Febuary 14th and saw the second line that I never thought I would see. Although the first emotion that I felt was pure joy, the second feeling of fear couldn't help but creep in. Pregnancy after miscarriage is so bittersweet. Excitement for the new life, and grief for the loss of another. Fear that the same thing may happen again. Fear that every time you use the bathroom you may see blood. Fear that the precious heartbeat that you are waiting to hear, never happens.
The first weeks were over whelming. Waiting for the the first ultra sound to date the pregnancy seemed like forever. We did do something different this time around. We told a few people. I knew this time around I would need a support group, that the process would be difficult. We decided to tell our parents, I knew I needed mine to know. So on my mom's birthday, I gave her a birthday card that was addressed to Grandma. My parents were so excited, and the extra support that I needed in the beginning when I was full of uncertainty. We told Mike's parents and his brother and sister in law. I told my boss since I knew I would need to be missing work for doctor appointments. She was so supportive through our loss than I knew I needed her through this blessing.
Our first ultra sound was scheduled for March 10th, the one day I did not want it to be. It's funny how things work themselves out. It was March 10th of 2015 that we saw our first baby for the only time. I am pretty superstitious, so I didn't feel like this was a good sign. What if this was just a repeat of the previous year? Was this some kind of cruel foreshadowing? All I wanted to hear were that things looked good, and that I was farther along then I was on the last March 10th. I was. I was one week ahead of where I was in the first pregnancy. Seven days exactly. We got to see our little Jelly Bean at 7 weeks and 4 days, and it was all so surreal. It still is. As he is wiggling around in my belly right now, I still cannot believe that it is happening.
I wish I could say that was all I needed to get excited. To hear the news, but I was still so cautious to get excited, knowing what kind of heartbreak could happen. our next appointment was the one that had broken my heart just about a year earlier. When went in at 11 weeks and 4 days to hear the sound that we never got to hear before through the that magical little Doppler. When we went in it was de ja vu. The doctor tried for a few minutes to find that little bean in my belly, but could not get a good read. She kept say, "I think that was it," "I know I just heard it." While we waited in the room for the ultra sound machine to get ready I couldn't help but start crying, and then sobbing. It was all too familiar. It couldn't be happening again. I just kept saying, "no" as Mike held my hand. I knew that there was a baby in there. I knew there was a heartbeat, I knew this time was different. When the doctor started the ultra sound we saw the baby right away. And then we saw the heartbeat. For those moments he was perfectly still. I stared the the screen for what I felt was 5 minutes, just watching that heart pumping. It had to have been less, because the doctor mentioned how strange it was that she couldn't pin point the heart beat when the baby was so still, and as soon as she said it, he started moving like crazy. Kicks and punches, and multiple somersaults, and he hasn't slowed down yet!
After that appointment, we started telling the rest of our friends and family. And on the day that I was 13 weeks along we posted this on Facebook.
The first trimester was filled with so many emotions, making it through those weeks were the hardest for me. Mike was there the whole way telling me that things were going to be okay. Reminding me to be excited, and sharing the feelings of fear where there were bumps in the road. Making it to the second trimester and past my miscarry date made this start to feel like it was actually happening!
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