taking steps is easy, standing still is hard...

Yes I just quoted Regina Spektor in reference to pregnancy loss makes me feel. It seems like since the miscarriage I have either been standing still, or taking one step forward and two steps back. 

It's weird that you are told what to expect during the miscarriage. How much you will bleed, and for how long. There will be pain, there will be tears. You need to give yourself time to grieve. What about after? What do you do when you cannot stop bleeding, or you can't start again? What do you do when you find out that someone from your past has the same exact due date that you were to have?

I am not sure how well I am doing at this whole coping process. I have lost people in the recent past. People who meant the world to me. My Grandmother, and woman who I inspire to be like. My Grandfather, the one I feel I inherited my sense of humor from. A man who married my Grandma, and I have known my whole life. I have grieved, and mourned the loss of these important figures in my life. 

My Grandmother was young, 73, and lung cancer took her too soon. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, her love, her influence, and how much I dearly miss her. But, like I was told... time has made it easier. I started crying less, and thinking of her with a smile on my face, instead of a tear in my eye. It has now been three years since loosing her, but I remember exactly how it felt. I can still feel it. 

This is different. 

With loosing this baby, my first baby, I lost hope and dreams of what was to come. I have lost a future that I would think of everyday of my short pregnancy.  For the 8 weeks that I knew I was carrying the tiny thing that I wanted more than anything in the world, I started dreaming of what was to be. What would this tiny creation of love look like? Would we have a little person running around with my quick wit, or their fathers love for knowledge? 

We moved into a house while I was 8 weeks pregnant, we moved with big dreams, and walking into what would be the nursery that night while it was empty, Mike and I hugged each other, knowing that this is where we would bring out little one home. Their first home that wasn't. Now, it is still filled with boxes. I don't want to see that room empty again, and have it reflect how I feel. I cant even stand in there for too long, I will think of what isn't. 

I made the realization recently [yes, I know I was in denial] that I am depressed. At first I kept saying that I was, "just sad." But my body is finally back to where it was before pregnancy hormones took over... and I am not done crying yet. When my hCG hormones where still at a level 5, I easily blamed that constant tears on hormones. Well, they are gone now, but the tears are not. Avoiding people and situations is not something that I am doing intentionally, but I am not trying either. I would rather be with the one person who understand what I am going through than be with anyone else. So I just don't really try. 

I wish that I could say that I am starting to get better, but I feel like I am standing still. I can't believe that it has been so long since that Tuesday when there was silence where there should have been a heartbeat. I hope soon that I can start taking steps.