Yes I just quoted Regina Spektor in reference to pregnancy loss makes me feel. It seems like since the miscarriage I have either been standing still, or taking one step forward and two steps back.
It's weird that you are told what to expect during the miscarriage. How much you will bleed, and for how long. There will be pain, there will be tears. You need to give yourself time to grieve. What about after? What do you do when you cannot stop bleeding, or you can't start again? What do you do when you find out that someone from your past has the same exact due date that you were to have?
I am not sure how well I am doing at this whole coping process. I have lost people in the recent past. People who meant the world to me. My Grandmother, and woman who I inspire to be like. My Grandfather, the one I feel I inherited my sense of humor from. A man who married my Grandma, and I have known my whole life. I have grieved, and mourned the loss of these important figures in my life.
My Grandmother was young, 73, and lung cancer took her too soon. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her, her love, her influence, and how much I dearly miss her. But, like I was told... time has made it easier. I started crying less, and thinking of her with a smile on my face, instead of a tear in my eye. It has now been three years since loosing her, but I remember exactly how it felt. I can still feel it.
This is different.
With loosing this baby, my first baby, I lost hope and dreams of what was to come. I have lost a future that I would think of everyday of my short pregnancy. For the 8 weeks that I knew I was carrying the tiny thing that I wanted more than anything in the world, I started dreaming of what was to be. What would this tiny creation of love look like? Would we have a little person running around with my quick wit, or their fathers love for knowledge?
We moved into a house while I was 8 weeks pregnant, we moved with big dreams, and walking into what would be the nursery that night while it was empty, Mike and I hugged each other, knowing that this is where we would bring out little one home. Their first home that wasn't. Now, it is still filled with boxes. I don't want to see that room empty again, and have it reflect how I feel. I cant even stand in there for too long, I will think of what isn't.
I made the realization recently [yes, I know I was in denial] that I am depressed. At first I kept saying that I was, "just sad." But my body is finally back to where it was before pregnancy hormones took over... and I am not done crying yet. When my hCG hormones where still at a level 5, I easily blamed that constant tears on hormones. Well, they are gone now, but the tears are not. Avoiding people and situations is not something that I am doing intentionally, but I am not trying either. I would rather be with the one person who understand what I am going through than be with anyone else. So I just don't really try.
I wish that I could say that I am starting to get better, but I feel like I am standing still. I can't believe that it has been so long since that Tuesday when there was silence where there should have been a heartbeat. I hope soon that I can start taking steps.
Wow! Where have I been? Well, let's break it down a little bit. When I started the blog I had truly great intentions. I was going to try to beautify our apartment, my nails... and my life.
I really started off right; posting twice a week was my goal, and I kept that going for a LONG time [well for me at least]. Slowly it got harder for many reasons, and none of them good ones. I don't know about all of you, but the more difficult one part of your life gets the harder it is to keep up even with the things that you love. That was were I was at. I kept doing all of the things that I had been blogging about, but just couldn't get to the place where I wanted to share then with the world. Now that I feel like I am in a better place [although I have not really gone anywhere] I felt the urge to pick up the computer and POST! Even if this post is kinda rambley.
So let me update you all on life since we last spoke:
1. I am more inspired at work. Work is that place in my life that if all is going well everything else in my life falls into place... if there is a bit of a rough patch then my focus is pulled from other areas. *cough*blogging*cough*
2. Mike and I finally went on our honeymoon! In September of last year Mike and I went on a little honeymoon to San Diego. It was a much needed break from everyday life, and the first time that we had EVER gone on vacation together. It was a blast! I have always loved SoCal, and in another [less pale] life I must have been a beach bum. We had some great food, went to the zoo and safari park, the beach, and Coronado Island [a.k.a. where we are moving when I win the lottery].
3. We tried to move! Yeah, you heard me right. We started looking around for a house to rent. I have been sick of apartment life for quite a while now. But, as it does, life has a funny way of sneaking in there and changing things up. We decided that a move was in the cards when I was just about the pay my car off, but here is where life stepped in... Mike's truck saw it's last trip. Good news is Mike got a new car, and I didn't have to pack anything! So we will be in the same place for a little while longer, but I have learned a lot about the search for a new place and what both Mike and I want in a home. I am also going to take this time that we are still in the apartment to de-clutter my life from all the STUFF that has been accumulated over the years, and is no longer needed.
4. Mike and I also celebrated our first anniversary. It was pretty low key with Mike coming off a 14 hour over night shift, but we had an awesome brunch and I made Mike his favorite meal [meatloaf and peas].
Now you are caught up on all of the happenings while I was MIA. Of course there were many other things that happened in the last nine months, but I won't bore you with all the details.
It does feel good to be back. I plan on posting once a week for now and see where it takes my. I love having a creative outlet, and so happy that I am sharing it with the blogging world once again.
The more I get into the blogging world the more I learn. As of late, I have been following blogs through the blogger interface, but there is so much buzz out there about Bloglovin. So please follow me through bloglovin and let me know what you think!
They also have a mobile app that I am really digging.
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/7004557/?claim=re5wkb5bwpu">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
